I Pushed Her Away...Again!!!

so like FUCK! FUCK FUCK FUCK!!! im soooooooooooo stupid. once again the same story. i start falling for someone and i get caught up. but for some reason i thought this was different. i was like finally...maybe i'd have a chance with this chick. i mean this chick, she's everything i could want and more. but...me. its always fricken me. i always have to be the best friend! i hate it.
i mean the night was perfect. we hung out, we ate ice cream, did all this other crap and she just made me feel on top of the world. a feeling i havent had in awhile. and then...i got home and heart crusher. i read her blog. and once again im back to best friend.
i mean its not the first time i had feelings for this chick. i think a year ago, ironically at the same time as this i started liking her. but decided to give up. and became her best friends. and yeah i do remember laying under the stars with u at the YAM social. thanks for reminding me. totally forgot. and its kinda wierd that were back in the same place. i like u again around the same time last year. but now, or so i thought, i stood a chance. only to ruin it again.
so i call her, make-up some stupid excuse about liking some other chick and right when were about to hang up i take everything back and say i like her. like WTF is wrong with me. im so stupid><.
so next thing u know i hang up and start beating myself up about it and didnt get any sleep at all. i mean i didnt even wanna pray. like y God, just once. give it to me just once. so i laid there wide awake. but it was one of those rare occasions where i was wide awake but still was dreaming. yeah, wierd. frick. so like i was on the verge of giving up. but out of nowhere my friend (washington girl. haha) calls me. i mean its sooooo weird she always calls me at the right moment. and i spill. and she tells me not to be soo hard on myself. but i was. i felt like crap. but i knew that i needed to just suck it up. just another rock in the road. i mean im gonna make this chick like me. haha. jk.
but wtf is wrong with me. i mean will i ever get out of "best friend" territory. just when i think i have it all figured out...i dont. i hate it. and i hate how i have to put a smile on my face when i see u. but everytime u hug me...damn dreams. haha. look im happy that i made u happy. and made u feel special and yeah u r that chick in my dreams, but whats stopping u? so u think i cant live up to ur standards? i just dont get it, but at the same time i understand. i feel so retarded. but for now im done. add more later. block on the tower. -Ryan:]

btw. im probably gonna add one more blog later on tonight about a different subject.