Tuesday, October 28, 2008

I have no words

i wonder sometimes what im doing. am i making the wrong choices? i was looking at a picture and reading some of the things people said. of how u guys look so happy. and im sitting there speechless. and i get quiet. and i wanna go to my room and cry.
thats what happened last night. i guess i was talking to kim and anthony about tadpole on AIM. and hearing that they finally, finally, understand how hard i fell. like i was sooo happy. they understood. like finally understood. yaknow. and ifinaly let out the truth.
i guess it was hard when we were on AIM so i decided to talk to anythony in person later and sit there and talk to kim. i decided the computer wasnt enough. i needed to talk to her in person about this.
and i called her. we talked for a good 10 minutes. but it was a silent conversation. she told me the straight up truth about tadpole. and it was hard to hear it. i mean i love kim. but it was so harsh but so suttle at the same time. i mean they werent lying about the truth hurts. we stayed on the phone a few minutes and told her i wanted to go to sleep. next thing im crying under my pillows. i never realized how far i fell. and how it hurts to be let down by ur best friend. but i needed that honesty. even if i didnt wanna hear it.
im in love with tadpole people. and people are finally realizing it. but the truth is tadpole is already in love with someone else. and thats the hardest thing i might have to accept in the past year. i mean losing president hurt a little less than realizing my feelings for tadpole. i mean u dont know what its like to sit for a good hour just thinking. or every 3 minutes they come to ur mind. and every second ur heart crumbles a little more. i want to just tell tadpole, but idk what to do. im done for now. getting too emotional.-Ryan

Monday, October 27, 2008

So Last Night

we finally had our so you think you can love reunion. and i loved it. it really brought back my spiritual high that was goin away. and i was soooooo happy to see PUSH, all my friends, core, and C7. Even though we officially died last night. haha:[
but we got to talk and tell jokes about how some monkey who died and some women who ordered 2 cheeseburgers, 3 large french fries, and a diet coke to watch her weight. HILARIOUS!!!!
but before that i couldnt get something out of my mind. but i pushed it aside for the better of me.
so i went home and i did my hw. and i decide to ask one of my best friends kim for her AIM. and we talked. like a forreal talk. like how i have with jeff, other kim, and soon to be anthony. haha. but we talked.
and soon those feelings i had at mass came back when we talked. about a certain tadpole. she asked me the question that nobody has ever asked me, "if i was in LOVE with tadpole." i sat in my chair for like a minute and stared at the screen. nobody ever asked me if i was in love.
so i sat there. and i thought to myself that i cant be infatuated. theres a difference. i couldnt stop thinking that i was in love with tadpole. because i was. and it was like wow, how can it be.
but i was like maybe im not hallucinating u know. so i shut off my computer walked to my room and thought how a night that started off so great ended in tears. how bitter sweet. so another block on the tower. i wish i could tell the tadpole once and for all...
next thing u know i get on myspace and my sponsor says we have to talk about this. so lets go build blocks anthony. haha.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Dear Tadpole,

a while ago, i thought my dream finally came true. a world where i felt that i could finally be myself u know. and i got REAL butterflies. my stomach bounced and squeezed and flipped and whatever when i saw u. and when u talked to me i melted. but then i realized that it got strayed. the attention i once had from u, disappeared. i thought my life finally felt complete. but it felt empty.
i remember when u used to give me rides. and i used to be soooooo happy. and that time where u put ur arms around me in SA.like wth. it was sooo wierd but i didnt want u to let go. and u used to tell me the sweetest things and insult me to. and those times u used to find me in the circle during prayer, come next to me and hold my hand during the prayer. u did that every prayer. and that time u told me at relay for life u aid on my down on me. idk everything u did made me feel soo special. but now i wonder if i was just looking into things that didnt matter.
i couldnt tell anybody about this because i HATED being vulnerable to others. so i wrote a blog about u called "my senior" and it bacame infamous. all people asked me was "who is ur senior" or "is ur senior so and so" and ur name came up like twice when people guessed and i always said HELL NO. but it seemed like i couldnt keep this to myself forever. so i told my best friends, then my sponsor, and a couple more people i loved. and it was a big weight off my shoulders.
but i didnt want just that. i wanted u. and i continued to write. and like an idiot i used to always go on ur myspace and see if u got comments or look at ur pics. i felt like a stalker. haha.
then one day my life changed when i officially lost u. and i ignored it and said i didnt care. but my heart was crushed. i was speechless. how could i fall so hard only to be let down. so i stopped telling people. and i was back to where i was...alone without help. and no matter how hard i tried i couldnt get u out of my mind. ur still on my mind everyday. and then u left. and i had the worst feeling in the world. i wanted to say Goodbye but i couldnt. and i regret it.
so i started blaming u and not myself. because somedays i feel so broken inside but i wont admit it to anyone. and i choose to think at night how i got to this point. so in december im gonna try and tell u how i feel. i need closure. And God is gonna help me. but for some reason i feel like there is something there. and i know it deep down in my heart that there is something there. and im gonna continue to dwell on that. but for now i build blocks to build my castle. so if ur reading this. thx. for listening. -Ryan:]

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Me, God, and Reality

WOW! i finally have one of these huh! haha!well i guess its time to write how i feel.

GOD! the man that sacrificed sooooooo much for us. and we just had a retreat.my spiritual high should still be here. but along the way, ive lost it. and its hard. to know that maybe i lost it because of how reality can be such a bitch. the drama, the cussing, and all the stuff that makes just wanna sit down and ask why God has made it sooooo hard for us to be happy. i mean we all cried and poured our hearts out to everything. we admitted our inner feelings and confronted the ones we love head on. but it seems like God still wants to throw legos at us and scream build a stronger castle to protect us. but in our efforts we knock it down.but i must admit God works in mysterious ways. i still love God. and i kept all the ties with those i met on the retreat. and i cant wait till the reunion. but theres a void i cant fill and i wish i could. but its hard that reality is that God may not want me to have it. and thats what sucks about reality. so for now i build on what God has to offer me. and now im gonna go sleep on it and pray! GN!-Ryan:]