Monday, November 17, 2008

I Pushed Her Away...Again!!!

so like FUCK! FUCK FUCK FUCK!!! im soooooooooooo stupid. once again the same story. i start falling for someone and i get caught up. but for some reason i thought this was different. i was like finally...maybe i'd have a chance with this chick. i mean this chick, she's everything i could want and more. its always fricken me. i always have to be the best friend! i hate it.
i mean the night was perfect. we hung out, we ate ice cream, did all this other crap and she just made me feel on top of the world. a feeling i havent had in awhile. and then...i got home and heart crusher. i read her blog. and once again im back to best friend.
i mean its not the first time i had feelings for this chick. i think a year ago, ironically at the same time as this i started liking her. but decided to give up. and became her best friends. and yeah i do remember laying under the stars with u at the YAM social. thanks for reminding me. totally forgot. and its kinda wierd that were back in the same place. i like u again around the same time last year. but now, or so i thought, i stood a chance. only to ruin it again.
so i call her, make-up some stupid excuse about liking some other chick and right when were about to hang up i take everything back and say i like her. like WTF is wrong with me. im so stupid><.
so next thing u know i hang up and start beating myself up about it and didnt get any sleep at all. i mean i didnt even wanna pray. like y God, just once. give it to me just once. so i laid there wide awake. but it was one of those rare occasions where i was wide awake but still was dreaming. yeah, wierd. frick. so like i was on the verge of giving up. but out of nowhere my friend (washington girl. haha) calls me. i mean its sooooo weird she always calls me at the right moment. and i spill. and she tells me not to be soo hard on myself. but i was. i felt like crap. but i knew that i needed to just suck it up. just another rock in the road. i mean im gonna make this chick like me. haha. jk.
but wtf is wrong with me. i mean will i ever get out of "best friend" territory. just when i think i have it all figured out...i dont. i hate it. and i hate how i have to put a smile on my face when i see u. but everytime u hug me...damn dreams. haha. look im happy that i made u happy. and made u feel special and yeah u r that chick in my dreams, but whats stopping u? so u think i cant live up to ur standards? i just dont get it, but at the same time i understand. i feel so retarded. but for now im done. add more later. block on the tower. -Ryan:]

btw. im probably gonna add one more blog later on tonight about a different subject.

1 comment:

samichtu said...

hahahahahaha. ok so i'm only lauhing because the "i'm never going to get out of the best friend territory" thing... that always cracks me up because that was my same situation in high school all the damn time! but don't worry about it love, it will come :] no need be one priest k! haha