Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Little Frogs

it's simple, to say things that you don't mean. or even do things you don't mean. lately, i've contemplated on how a plan can get mixed up into something that you weren't ready for. something you weren't ready for that next thing you know would be in Mai's World. like a joke that turned out would backfire on you. yeah, that's the word backfire. haha.

i was talking in the car one day with my friend. this one guy who looks exactly like a certain pudgy cheeked guy who went to my church. exactly like him, just cut your hair and meet the twins. lol. well, we were talking about past issues i used to have. things that are kinda over. keyword there is kinda. but one thing led to another and we began talking about present day life. my life as a covergirl. haha. (JK) anyway, i told him a few things and being mr. blunt he never held back anything on his mind. i love people like that...if they dont do it all the time though:]

Well, my friend was super cool about everything. and even if i know one day that this friend will be gone, for now im glad i have them. even if he looks like... WTF. haha. but one thing he did tell me was why fear the worst? or at least i got that out of that conversation anyway. cherish the people you have now. life is too short to just wait and wonder. and waiting and wondering...everyone knows i hate that:D

but why is this entitled little frogs? because, it just is. if you haven't noticed my blogs are like puzzles. you never know what it means until you get the full story. and trust me it makes sense people, it does. just put together the puzzle. too bad i don't just Spill the Bottle or teach Life Lessons or even count my days wrong on the 40 Days and 40 Nights of Lent. haha. Ryan:]

PS Dear...

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Little Boy Grow Up

I must've wrote this blog 15 times. i think i said everything right...

a boy sat on the dinner table with his mother. it was the first time in a few weeks that the boy decided to eat with her. they talked about nonsense, how he was doing in school, what time he would be leaving the next day to go to relay, you know the usual. silence comes. suddenly its broken. the mother asks why won't you stay? the boy sits and wonders what she means. she explains. why don't you stay here for college son? the boy asks if its about money. the mother says no. and then yes. the boy rolls his eyes. then the mother says that she will also cry and miss him tremendously if he decides to leave. communication she says. thats all she wanted from the boy and his sister. the boy still sat in silence without saying his thoughts. and he finishes his food gets up and goes to his room.

the next day the boy gets ready to leave for relay for life. excited he ignores every phone call until he was ready to go. the boy gets there, late, to the event he was supposed to plan, with 5 people and 1 baby behind him. he sees people and ignores them. sees people who care about him and still decides to ignore them. what was wrong with the boy. the boy has fun with his friends until 1 in the morning. he decides to take a walk with his sponsor. they go around the track for what seems like hours dicussing the boys insecurites. why was the boy scared? why does the boy want to leave? what does the boy have to prove? the boy doesn't get answers from his sponsor, but from himself. the boy didn't know how strong he was. but still the boy felt weak. he was still scared. the boys sponsor tells him he knew him more than he thought. the boy's sponsor could tell when he was down, when he was stressed, when he was feeling like the world was on his shoulders. the boy ended his walk with a simple thanks and left.

the boy decided that he would not sleep the whole night and didn't want to think. the boy went home and slept.

why is it when i feel like i have everything solved, its not. my life will never be an open book, says me. but for others they tell me its so easy to just let go. to leave behing the things that don't matter. but in life, everything matters. family, friends, sponsors, church, and even insecurities. they all matter because that's what makes you you. the only thing from that checklist we need to leave is fear. the fear to let the world know what's on your mind. the boy kept quiet in every situation. not communicating with his mom, ignoring his friends, and even giving a lack luster appreciation to the man he looks up to who knew more than he thought he did. the boys is silent, but comes off so loud. why is that? life is so confusing. the boy is still little(not in height) but in heart. he needs to grow up and let God lead him and stop trying to lead himself to prove a point. a point that may never be made. so little boy grow up. build your blocks and learn. Pray on it. -Ryan:]

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Reality Jets In

so the retreat is over and this blog comes two days late. Full-Filled, it wasn't the same as So You Think You Can Love. It was kinda disappointing. But still, this retreat brought something new to my attention, like Anthony said. My biggest fear is rejection. not burnt rice. lol. but im afraid God wouldnt accept me because i couldnt accept myself. many of you know the reason for this fear. but anothony made it clear to me that God will make the last judgement. it's crazy how forgiving God is. and i love Ikona for being able to give me the best heart to hearts i ever had. i made him cry and i cried too. lol. and then alex, always know the right thing to say. but the spiritual high...its gone. its hard to realize how fast the realworld can steal something from you. thats the sad part when it comes to retreats, losing that feeling.

but the retreat brought other stuff to my attention too. whether i like it or not, my friends are graduating and some won't come back to lifeteen or some are even leaving. reality sets in slowly. seeing my friends up there on stage with their candles, everything seemed real. that would be me next year... seeing mailyn cry right in the middle, haha, made me realize how close it is for them and how each day its getting closer for me. so to the seniors, God will always be with you no matter where you go. and don't forget to go to church and pray. graduating from high school doesnt mean your graduating from God.all this talk about people leaving, makes me not want to leave for college...but we'll see where God sends me.

lastly, your making me go crazy. i have no idea what to think about you at the moment. it's funny. how life seems to throw things at you your not ready for. God just sent one at me. my gut, its always right. why do i doubt it. will you just tell me already ease the anxiousness. i like you.

and lastly if you havent heard, im Senior Class President. (Cant get enough of that) One jar filled with blocks sit next to the tower. -Ryan:]

Monday, March 16, 2009

Wait This Isn't A Blog

So its my first video blog. It's super short so bare with me. Real Blog coming soon...

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Jet Anxiety

i noticed that i put jet in all my titles now. well anyway, this whole week has been nothing but a lot of waiting, lies, and a crap load of confusion! why is it that people lie to you to build the suspense factor. i hate that.

first off, the election is over. i hope i won. will they just tell us already? and second off, i hate that i'm still hung up over things. and with all those things i'm hung up over, it gets me in bad situations. situations i don't need to be in. situations that confuse me. it gets me so riled up and eventually i get quiet and i look like i'm about to kill someone. that's my thinking face everyone. lol.

so with that said, i'm so happy retreat is coming up. i need it. i need someone to push me so hard all this anxiety will come up in tears. lol. challenge, the first person to make me cry on the retreat will get a special prize. jk. haha. but here's the thing folks. there's so much things on my mind right now. too bad the world will never know. i build blocks, what do you build? -Ryan:]

this blog is short. lol.^^

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Jet Turbulence Gets Complicated

for three days i've managed to stay off the computer, off myspace, and off blogspot. kinda funny when i log on and was hit by all these new blogs. i only read a couple. so its a rainy day. i love rainy days because they make you think.

in many circumstances this past week has given me so much crap and a lot of achievements all at the same time. it kinda strikes me as im losing a lot of myself. why? its hard to explain. one thing i always held on to is the fact that i gotta build myself this huge tower and trying to dominate it so the spotlight is always on me. hence, ryan building blocks. lol. but doing this it makes me less of a person and more of a busybody. sometimes i need some time to sit down and think like this. rainy days are awesome.

so retreat is coming up. three days of nonstop love. or i'd like to think as three days of rebuilding. so i read mailyn's blog about losing the LIFE in LIFETEEN. she's right. we've lost a lot of it. i've lost a lot of it. i used to love going and being loud. like Alex told me monday night, i was the loudest and all of a sudden i got quiet. i have no idea how to go off of that sentence.

and then i read mixxel's blog. your brother. im glad that you feel that you found another brother figure. but, try to rebuild the one you already have. i love my sister no matter how much we fight and argue. deep down we both know we would take a bullet for one another. cherish the family you have everyone. all families argue. all families lose contact. mine does all the time. but i still love them. so mixxel call your brother, or text him. trust me on this one.

and now im listening, haha not reading, marinelle's blog. no worry i read it. before she bugs me. but in many lives turbulence will get the best of us and we will get rocky. that just leaves you to solve your problems under God. no matter how many blocks you build your tower will fall eventually. mine has. Ryan:]

before i go i have a little lent update. i dont think im giving up anything for lent. and i kinda gave up on my other things i wanted to do. but now i decided my lenten journey will be rebuilding myself in what i used to be and making it better all under the supervision of God. i will update you on that...i hope;]

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

The Jet Is Wavering

false hope. those are two words that are ringing in my head over and over again. what's funny about life is that when you want something you can't always have it.

many of you have heard that I was going to retract my money for the retreat. many of you tried to convince me to not do it. well for those of you who tried...im sorry. but ive come to a decision that i will not not attend the retreat. did u get that? haha. feel free to reread that part.

well for the slow ones, i am going on the retreat. 10% is thanks to marinelle and her voice ringing in my head like every two minutes. thanks a lot marinelle. lol. 25% is thanks to anthony. uh duh. and the rest goes to alex. it was like a mini retreat talking to him. but he got me to realize something that i may, or actually is a HUGE part, of the reason why i didnt wanna go in the first place. many of which, those of you know. like my aunties wedding, and my love for the people who go to lifeteen to this day(lol), but there was something that i hid from everyone that's really been bothering me. deep down. and alex was able to dig it up just in time for me to say that i was going on the retreat.

which goes all the way back to the top of this blog. false hope. i guess i havent come to terms with some things that have been bothering me for a long time. things that this blog has metioned before and things that haven't been mentioned to the public. all i can say is there is only one promise in life and it is that God makes all the decisions in life and he is very forgiving. this tower will not crumble and jets will continue to fly. -Ryan:]