Monday, May 4, 2009

Wake-Up Call

what are my true intentions in everything i do? i just got out of the car from talking to my sponsor for what seemed like an eternity. all i was talking about was nonsense. it was just a bunch of sentences and random subjects that made no sense when you put them all together. all i knew is it revolved on what i believed about my faith and church and of course God.

and yet, nothing made any sense to me. i kept talking about what stopped me from believing in God fully. the same things came out, the same problems, and nothing was resolved. i look at myself and have no idea what im doing. it's been a struggle to understand why im at church when i've seen people who were so dedicated leave in an instance. saying they don't fit in or they don't see the point. yes, there are people i question in lifeteen, but that hasn't stopped me. there are even people i don't necessarily like. but i kept saying my true intentions were God.

true intentions? i say it like i think about God every second. i make it like i do. but in all honestly i don't. Yes, i do have a good grasps on my faith, but can i honestly say im at church for God, and only God? i dont think anyone can say that. at least any teen anyway. i've learned that people find what i have to say interesting. i think every core member has pulled me aside to talk to me about my "life." haha. and everytime i learn something different. yet, it still doesn't hit me.

God is an intention in me going to church. but not the only one. it'll take awhile for me to realize that. so what do i go to church for? like mailyn says its a cliff hanger. but here's the deal. i made a decision that i might take time off from lifeteen to figure out why i was there. not to say that im not gonna come back. im still going to mass, but not necessarily lifeteen. trust me im gonna come back. but i need time. maybe after confirmation. and i think im not going to join MADE. that's something i have to really think about. yes, i did have some pretty killer ideas at the MADE meeting, but the group in itself isn't for me. but things might change. i mean i might join MADE, but i'll look into that.

i'll leave it at this. people like lindsey, esther, edison, jordan, they all left. people who were so dedicated. and even core members left. i dont want to leave. it's just i need time to really think why im there. here's a new saying "build blocks until you can't see over the top so nothing can distract you." building away. -Ryan:]

1 comment:

samichtu said...

sometimes time away is exactly what you need... because it's important for us to be able to find God on our own as well. that's what i did with my time... well kind of. i walked away from Him and then somehow He managed to find me when i least expected! God just has this amazing plan for all of us... it just takes different roads to get there... :]