Tuesday, October 28, 2008

I have no words

i wonder sometimes what im doing. am i making the wrong choices? i was looking at a picture and reading some of the things people said. of how u guys look so happy. and im sitting there speechless. and i get quiet. and i wanna go to my room and cry.
thats what happened last night. i guess i was talking to kim and anthony about tadpole on AIM. and hearing that they finally, finally, understand how hard i fell. like i was sooo happy. they understood. like finally understood. yaknow. and ifinaly let out the truth.
i guess it was hard when we were on AIM so i decided to talk to anythony in person later and sit there and talk to kim. i decided the computer wasnt enough. i needed to talk to her in person about this.
and i called her. we talked for a good 10 minutes. but it was a silent conversation. she told me the straight up truth about tadpole. and it was hard to hear it. i mean i love kim. but it was so harsh but so suttle at the same time. i mean they werent lying about the truth hurts. we stayed on the phone a few minutes and told her i wanted to go to sleep. next thing im crying under my pillows. i never realized how far i fell. and how it hurts to be let down by ur best friend. but i needed that honesty. even if i didnt wanna hear it.
im in love with tadpole people. and people are finally realizing it. but the truth is tadpole is already in love with someone else. and thats the hardest thing i might have to accept in the past year. i mean losing president hurt a little less than realizing my feelings for tadpole. i mean u dont know what its like to sit for a good hour just thinking. or every 3 minutes they come to ur mind. and every second ur heart crumbles a little more. i want to just tell tadpole, but idk what to do. im done for now. getting too emotional.-Ryan

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