Sunday, October 26, 2008

Dear Tadpole,

a while ago, i thought my dream finally came true. a world where i felt that i could finally be myself u know. and i got REAL butterflies. my stomach bounced and squeezed and flipped and whatever when i saw u. and when u talked to me i melted. but then i realized that it got strayed. the attention i once had from u, disappeared. i thought my life finally felt complete. but it felt empty.
i remember when u used to give me rides. and i used to be soooooo happy. and that time where u put ur arms around me in wth. it was sooo wierd but i didnt want u to let go. and u used to tell me the sweetest things and insult me to. and those times u used to find me in the circle during prayer, come next to me and hold my hand during the prayer. u did that every prayer. and that time u told me at relay for life u aid on my down on me. idk everything u did made me feel soo special. but now i wonder if i was just looking into things that didnt matter.
i couldnt tell anybody about this because i HATED being vulnerable to others. so i wrote a blog about u called "my senior" and it bacame infamous. all people asked me was "who is ur senior" or "is ur senior so and so" and ur name came up like twice when people guessed and i always said HELL NO. but it seemed like i couldnt keep this to myself forever. so i told my best friends, then my sponsor, and a couple more people i loved. and it was a big weight off my shoulders.
but i didnt want just that. i wanted u. and i continued to write. and like an idiot i used to always go on ur myspace and see if u got comments or look at ur pics. i felt like a stalker. haha.
then one day my life changed when i officially lost u. and i ignored it and said i didnt care. but my heart was crushed. i was speechless. how could i fall so hard only to be let down. so i stopped telling people. and i was back to where i was...alone without help. and no matter how hard i tried i couldnt get u out of my mind. ur still on my mind everyday. and then u left. and i had the worst feeling in the world. i wanted to say Goodbye but i couldnt. and i regret it.
so i started blaming u and not myself. because somedays i feel so broken inside but i wont admit it to anyone. and i choose to think at night how i got to this point. so in december im gonna try and tell u how i feel. i need closure. And God is gonna help me. but for some reason i feel like there is something there. and i know it deep down in my heart that there is something there. and im gonna continue to dwell on that. but for now i build blocks to build my castle. so if ur reading this. thx. for listening. -Ryan:]

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